One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Love, Dad.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Love, Dad.
“
| — |
Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love” (via mydemisee) (via sharpen-yourteeth) |
1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.
2: Talk about your first kiss.
3: Talk about the person for which you've had the most intense romantic feelings.
4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.
5: Talk about the best birthday you've had.
6: Talk about the worst birthday you've had.
7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.
8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.
9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.
10: Talk about the biggest fight you've ever had.
11: Talk about the best dream you've ever had.
12: Talk about the worst dream you've ever had.
13: Talk about the first time you had sex.
14: Talk about a vacation.
15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.
16: Talk about the best party you've ever been to.
17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.
18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school.
19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.
20: Talk about something that happened in high school.
21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.
22: Talk about your worst fear.
23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.
24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.
25: Talk about an ex-best friend.
26: Talk about things you do when you're sick.
27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else's body.
28: Talk about your fetishes.
29: Talk about what turns you on.
30: Talk about what turns you off.
31: Talk about what you think death is like.
32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.
33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.
34: Talk about the worst physical pain you've endured.
35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.
36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.
37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.
38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.
39: Talk about things you wish you'd known earlier.
40: Talk about the end of something in your life.
120 Quotes from Mean Girls, White Chicks and Bring It On.
this is the greatest video i have ever seen wow
Long Distance “Something”
I laugh when people say you only fall in love once
because I’ve fallen in love over ten different times in 530 days.The first time was when you said you loved me. I knew that whether or not I loved you back wouldn’t change that.
The second time was when I said I…
wow this is beautiful…
